Working On My Own Value

Seems like I am always on constant struggle and have to muster up enough courage to get things accomplished these days. Like I am on the search for what really matters. I think at the moment I live my life from the perspective of a ‘girl who thinks why she’s here and not there’.

Then I read somewhere, ‘The more you show gratitude to whatever you have, the faster your subconscious mind will clear your unconscious beliefs’. I read a lot these days to get and absorb insights that broaden my perspective on life and deepen my commitment to live my very best that I came to realise that how I am not using my vast potential at the maximum possibility of someone my age.  I think the only thing that is holding me back is that I am limiting myself. Too limiting to be exact.

I feel like I need to do a life assessment based on my current situation and where I stand in life. An assessment in terms of health, emotions, relationship with family and friends, spirituality, finances and also career.  An assessment which I believe is an ongoing process. So I did some retrospective observation of these areas of my life. I am now paying more attention to the fact that I am now here where I am today and still uncovering the most fundamental principles of my personal growth.

I think I’m on my way to a consistent positive change in my life. I will utilise all the best tools to keep myself focused on the right actions. And I would like to feel a new sense of power on my journey towards success.

I hope this assessment give me a sense of purpose and direction. I hope the momentum and my willpower are with me this time, helping me to seize the opportunity and live to the fullest, most purposeful life I can possibly live. InsyaAllah.

To do it well or not to do it at all.

Penat

Orang kata kalau kita nak orang lain fahami kita, kita kena fahami mereka dulu.

bullshit.

Habis tu, orang lain tu tak perlu fahami kita sebelum mereka tu difahami? It’s not a one way street towards that.

Aku penat memikirkan perkara yang sesuai untuk dikatakan dan menjeruk hati yang kepanasan dek ketidakpuasan dan melayan semua orang seperti mereka patung cina yang akan pecah kalau aku mengatakan something yang akan membuatkan mereka berjauh hati.

Dan orang puteh kata ‘Things happen for a reason’.

Aku juga penat kerana sering disalahfaham, atau tak difahami langsung.

yesterday & today

I posted something on Facebook yesterday. Something that has to do with my name. I was intended the post to somebody. Somebody who is in my friends list. Somebody who’d been online like 24/7. Yes, he read it and did commented on my post. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning him, I just don’t feel comfortable with the name simply because it’s not my name and I would like him to know my stand. Well, the name and my name is slightly different in the spelling, but still, it’s not my name. Why do one like to call people other than their own names?? I just don’t get it. Unless it is something that has been established over the years, that’s a different story. Like a nickname. I’ve been nicknamed differently by different people I’ve met in different places. Well, to be honest, this has not happened in my primary-school-years.

When I was in Form 5, my Add. Math teacher nicknamed me with ‘C.Y’. The whole class started to call me by that name. Honestly, I feel weird. I don’t like being called that. It sounded weird. It lasted until now that I’d know who has been texting me if they use the C.Y name.  It’s none other than the Guys.

I still feel weird though. I don’t like the name, seriously. Why can’t they call me by my name, my real name? Bukannya panjang pun.

Oh, back to the Facebook thingy, I logged in my Facebook account this morning and figured that the person who I have intended the post to was no longer on my friends list. I don’t know if he has remove me as one of his friends, blocked me from his page or just simply disappear. To me, it looks like he cannot stand my stand. He’s like what, 30+?? C’mon, don’t be so childish.

Whatever. I’m not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m just stressing my stand. If you can’t handle it, you may go. I don’t have a regret over what I did. I know no matter how careful we chose our words, people still tend to manipulate them.

Human & humiliation

I strongly believe that it’s a humiliation to a creature (pets that is) to be dumped into a dustbin when they’re no longer alive!

BLOODY FOOL!!

Have a nice day & Thank You.

blues hari Isnin

Semalam masuk bilik boss bawak 3 folder, tapi bila aku keluar dari bilik beliau aku bawak 10 folder. Beliau outstation for the rest of the week & I have like a zilion things on my plate. Ya Allah, tabahkan hati hambaMu ini.

Mood untuk buat kerja dah ada, tapi, bila kerja yang sedia ada menjadi semakin rumit (ke aku yang merumitkan kerja-kerja tersebut? whatever) & bakal menambahkan jumlah kerja aku, aku jadi lost. Tak tahu mana satu nak mula. Ok, be cool Ma, tarik nafas dalam-dalam & hembus.

Tapi dalam sibuk-sibuk aku pun aku masih sempat ber‘facebook’. Tapi lately ni, aku menyampah je bila log in facebook, hamba-hamba Allah yang ada dalam friend list aku suka komen di tempat tak berkenaan i.e. status: “Terasa malas hari ini”, pengomeng: “weh, esok nak gi sana macammana?” dan ada antara mereka suka komen pada sesuatu yang sudah tidak relevan i.e. status ditulis pada 15 june 2010, jam 7.35 p.m. & berkaitan perkara yang berlaku sekitar waktu itu, pengomeng hanya mengomeng pada 22 june 2010, jam 11.57 a.m. Ada jugak spesis yang terus komen, tak reti nak baca secara menyeluruh statement-statement yang ada sebelum statement beliau. Sekolah tinggi-tinggi tapi. Komen balik kang ade yang terasa hati, tak komen balik kang, geram pulak aku. C’mon lah, guna common sense anda please.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Sunday Blues

Banyak kerja di office tapi mood menjauhkan diri.

Nak senyum pun malas.

Mobile phone buat hal, taknak hidup pulak. Dah lah semalam tak boleh nak hantar sms. Fish betul.

Otak kusut!!

Awakened.

‘Boardroom’. Well, more like a boredroom.

Note: Gambar dari Mobile Phone aku. Harap Maklum.

Kalau orang tanya aku kerja apa, aku tak tahu nak jawab macam mana. Serious. Bila mood aku baik aku bagitaulah, aku kerja dalam bidang ‘company secretarial’. & they were like, ‘Oh, secretary’. Ermmm ok, sukahati kau lah. Senang-senang aku cakap aku ni kerani cabuk udah. Tapi memang kerja aku ni macam kerani pon, kerani serba serbi. huh!

Sekian, Terima Kasih.

p/s: bencilah kena buat minit. sangat stress tau tak. ;’(

**********

Gambar tu aku snap semalam masa aku tengah boring tunggu Ahli-ahli Mesyuarat kat satu office bertempat di sebelah Mydin Mall KT. Aku sampai tepat pukul 5.oo petang. On the dot kau. Kau tahu meeting derailed sampai pukul berapa? Pukul 6.15 kau. Mak Oii. Dahlah semalam hujan. Kalau dapat tidur memang heaven on earth lah. Tapi aku redha.

Lepas aku upload gambar tu dalam FB aku kan, bertubi-tubi komen masuk. Dari kawan-kawan, dari orang-orang kat ofis. Emm, actually gambar tu di’intend’kan kepada 3 orang kawan-kawan aku yang bekerja dalam bidang yang sama dengan aku ni dan aku catatkan sedikit realiti orang-orang ‘senasib’ dengan aku ni lah. Orang-orang kat office pulak melencongkan topik ke arah yang lain. hahaha. Kelakar sungguh. Tapi, ada betulnya apa yang mereka ‘luahkan’ tu. Mereka yang memerhatikan aku, berada dalam lingkungan paling dekat dengan aku, dari 8.30 pagi hingga 5.30 petang, lima hari seminggu.

Tapi aku tidak berkecil hati dengan ‘luahan hati’ mereka tu. Malah ianya bagaikan satu ‘awakening’ buat aku. Bukan berniat untuk memuaskan hati mereka dan menidakkan sifat aku yang pada aku sememangnya begitu, tapi, aku rasa ianya sesuatu yang aku mahu, dan mampu lakukan.

Aku rasa dah tiba masanya, Alhamdulillah.

Carelessness

Hai. Aku nak membebel, pasal diri sendiri. Takde kena mengena dengan orang lain.

Aku tak suka bila aku careless. Rasa macam loser gila. Biasanya aku rasa loser gila tu bila aku careless benda yang kecik-kecik je. Benda yang sepatutnya aku dah aware. Macam, which line nak kene bold, which line tak payah diboldkan, spelling dalam draft paperworks. Bila orang pointed out benda tu, aku macam, ‘alamak, mesti dia ingat aku bodo.’ Ye, aku sangat ‘mengambilberat’ apa yang orang lain fikir pasal aku. Aku tau itu tak bagus, tapi tabiat tu memang ada dengan aku sejak aku kecik. Bila dah besar panjang ni baru fikir nak kikis. Kena buat sikit-sikit la tapi.

Carelessness ni jadi sebab aku tak focus betul-betul kot masa buat keje. Aku rasalah. Ke tak? Yelah, kalau aku fokus 100% pada kerja aku tu, mesti carelessness tu boleh dielakkan, kan? Tapi yang aku tau aku tak pernah bagi100% masa buat keje, kot. Sebab tu lah exam pon nak kena repeat banyak kali. Kalau focus pon dalam 5 minit je, pastu otak merewang tempat lain. Aku dah tau benda tu, tapi aku buat jugak. Well, bukanlah aku buat sebab benda tu automatically jadi macam tu. Macam yang aku cakap, tabiat tu memang ada dengan aku sejak aku kecik. Seriously, bab yang tu, aku geram kat diri sendiri tahap dewa. Sangat-sangat sampai kadang-kadang aku rasa nak tampar diri sendiri. Tapi aku buat donno jugak. Nak kena orang lain ‘tampar’ baru aku insaf kot. Tapi kalau ada orang ‘tampar’ aku kang aku sensitif teramatlah pulak. haih. Payah betol jadi aku ni.

Oleh itu, today, I’m making a pledge people. AKU BERAZAM UNTUK KURANGKAN KE’CARELESSNESS’AN AKU. Tapi untuk menuju ke arah itu, aku perlu fokus. AKU PERLU FOKUS KEPADA BENDA YANG AKU BUAT. Ok, tu dah dua.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Learning Kennedys

I’ve been surfing & reading & surfing again & reading again about the Kennedys, the so-called Royal Family of America.

The family history. The legacies. The assassinations. The ‘curse’.  The family tragedies. The conspiracies. The good & the bad.

The reading goes extensively these few days that i might as well write a book about them. & I have to master Taxation in 2 fricking weeks which I do not started studying yet. pfft.

History has never been my favorite since as long as I know, but their history are interesting that people talk as to date.

p/s: Words of wisdom from the Kennedy Brothers;

“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.”- Edward Moore ‘Ted’ Kennedy

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live.“- Robert Francis Kennedy

Notes to self

FootNote: Gambo cilok dari dunia tanpa sempadan.